*There is no death here, only gentle turning.*



.......I love that line Such wonderful reflections express in such wonderful way

--


anna




Be curious

Thank you. That's probably my favourite line in this poem, too. Autumn is wonderful, isn't it?

--
"You see, I am a poet, and not quite in my right head, darling." -Edna St. Vincent Millay

Yes, autumn is lovely The light is so special and al the colors so bright! The feeling for me, is storing needs to make it through the winter... So it also become quite melancholic, but in the sweetest way thou; remembering al good times, to help warm the soul in the windy nights




--


anna




Be curious

A simple but vivid imagery.

Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.

--
"You see, I am a poet, and not quite in my right head, darling." -Edna St. Vincent Millay

This is really quite sweet; Autumn is my favourite month as well, and it seems determined to permeate my writing of late. I suppose that's how it is with every season though, if a writer draws his inspiration from Nature. This is simple, in a good way mostly, and the imagery is somehow crisp and very real; there is no ambiguity. But then again, I like ambiguity, and it can be a very good thing for a poem to have.

Leaves fall like golden flame on to the road, / the sky stands still and blue.
There is a great contrast of colour here, between the flame of the road and the clear blue of the sky, and the contrast is evident also in the physical nature of road and sky; the leaves are 'like golden flame', and a flame is flickering and passionate and alive, dynamic. But the sky 'stands still and blue', a direct opposite to that. Also, words like 'golden' and 'flame' and 'leaves' are naturalistic and ageless, which a more modern and instrumental word 'road' challenges.
However, the simplicity of these opening lines is a little too common. It would be sweet if that tone was only in the beginning, but it is used throughout. I wouldn't consider this poem or anything in it cliché as such, but you ahve chosen a very traditional way of depicting Autumn. Leaves falling, for one, is something everybody connects to the season; using leaves is not a bad thing at all, in fact I'd encourage it in a poem about the Fall! But the way in which you do use them is not terribly inventive; the idea of the leaves falling and in a sense acting like flames is an intriguing concept, but you don't develop it. You just use that concept as an adjectiv,e which doesn't even do the job half-way. 'Golden flame' may be a pretty image, but 1) it is redundant since a flame is gold-coloured, and 2) ' golden' is too common an adjective. I use a thesaurus when writing, so that the concepts I want to convey are done in a way which is not normal and easily forseeable. That might be a good idea here; make the words snap a little, give them an internal rhythm! I'd really like to see the concept of "leaves = flames" emphasised a bit, and also to get some description of texture and feel.
These two lines establish a nice rhythm though, it isn't strictly metrically set but the second line is in iambic trimeter, which makes it delightfully bouncy, but not in an immature way. This is a great thing in principle, but not such a good thing here because right after you introduce this rhythm you break it with the lines to follow.

The earth bears fruit, bright berries, purple, red.
This is surprisingly poignant, I really love the imagery here! The colours of Autumn are brought out really well, with the colours "gold", "blue", "purple" and "red" already guiding our images. The tempo and the use of commas here really appeals to me, and now that I look closer I see a clear pattern in this single line! The phrase 'The earth bears fruit' is four syllables, 'bright berries' is three, and so on! Was this intentional? Because if it is, it's a wonderfully original effect, I had to really look for it and I was thrilled when I saw it. And having seperate words separated like that ('purple, red ') really makes the beat spontaneous and a little skippy, just like an Autumn-day!
Using 'bright berries' is a very nice touch too; apart from the subtle alliteration of 'b', berries are a great symbol of their own to use here. They connote the harvest, the changing of seasons, juices and the summation of growth.. And somehow the orb-shape of them just reminds me of Autumn, on its own. The spherical nature and the image of the berry being dark red, it really hits home.

The sun weighs heavily / in the autumn air-- fragrant, ripe, and warm, / like an apple ready to be picked.
Now the imagery becomes a little more diverse, and though you tend to use simile a little too often or too readily, it fits here perfectly. I adore the idea of the Sun "weighing heavily", attributing such a physical quality to something as metaphysical and spiritual as the Sun is intriguing, not to mention it seems to change the physical attribute into a psychological one: the reader understands just what you mean by 'the sun weighs heavily', a kind of sluggishness maybe and heaviness of mind. But just this phrase on its own actually connotes warmth, which you don't want to be connoting in an Autumn-poem. I think maybe you'd be better off changing the adverb "heavily" to something a little colder, a little sharper. But the physical attribute is really fitting.
The short string of adjectives (' fragrant, ripe, and warm') are very descriptive, and the feeling conveyed is very comfortable. But I'm not sure that is such a good thing, because Autumn isn't physically all that comfortable. It is beautiful and inspiring and wonderfully brisk and sharply mellow; but warm? That is actually the word that is off-setting the imagery here; if it's Autumn (leaves falling and all, and with the reference to SNOW later on!) then the Sun will be losing its warmth rather than retaining it.
But 'like an apple ready to be picked' is lovely indeed, and the harvest-context is brought up again through it. And I actually see a metaphor in this; the same way this apple is ready to be picked, so the season is also ready to change. The mentioning of a fruit besides the berries of before is a nice related element too.

There is no death here, only gentle turning.
What a stunning line, *annaa is absolutely correct. This is a thought which has often occurred to me as well, in relation to the seasons and otherwise. Here there is no death, there is only a constant transition, a continuous journey; and the romanticism here implies (quite rightly!) that this journey should be enjoyed. But you did very well in using the word 'turning', because a 'journey' of some sort implies linearity, like walking along a road, when in actual fact the concept of the seasons shifting and changing is a rotating, circular event. Somehow the rhythm of this line is also just right, and there are neither too few not too many words. This is the kind of minmalistic poetry that this poem should be full of (and which it almost is)!

A blush steals over trees / as they drop their many children to the earth.
The anthropomorphism is really skilful here, I must say. It is both passive and personal at the same time: the idea of trees blushing is very human and personal indeed, but a blush 'stealing over' them is more of an outside observation than an omnipotent narrative description. But the idea of trees maybe feeling regret or remorse at dropping (the implied) apples to the ground is very interesting, bordering on surreal. However, there is a logical problem with the forumlation here: if the trees 'blush' (i..e if the apples turn red) how can the 'children' or fruits fall at the same time? Or rather, the sequence here states that the trees blush directly after, or due to, dropping the apples to the ground. I think there needs to be a slightly clearer distinction of time here; perhaps changing 'as' to "and" would help? In fact, I think that'd do the trick. Wonderful line nonetheless, and calling the apples 'children', thus making the trees 'mothers', is a very naturalistic and pantheistic view even.

Soon they will fall asleep, / exhausted by their own fecundity, / and winter's white blanket will cover them.
These 'children' falling asleep is a new and wonderuflly calm notion to bring in, very delicate somehow. The wording could maybe be a bit more original, but it really is fine as it is. I really, really like the line ' exhausted by their own fecundity'. In a way, the ironic image of a pregnant mother, tired from carrying her child within, springs to mind and this bare, gentle criss-cross of imagery is refreshing. The ending line is too banal, frankly; the snow should be described as something a little more original than a white blanket, it's the most common metaphor there is for it. But then again, the covering blanket really fits the image of sleeping children.. Still, maybe a less commonly used word like "quilt" or "wool"; this latter one would create a triple alliterative effect: winter's white wool . I'd quite like that. The ending is still abrupt though, the very end needs an adverb or something else that would pack a little more finality.


This was a nice piece, over.simplistic at times but with some great phrases and imagery throughout. Great job!!

--
but, mainly, Stay Classy

Flame's not always golden. (Maybe I've been working with a torch too long. ) But you're right, I should work on that, and developing the idea might not hurt. The begining lines are a little dull as they stand now. The picture I had in my mind isn't quite what ended up on the paper.

The pattern of the line "The earth bears fruit, bright berries, purple, red" wasn't exactly deliberate. At first I didn't like how that line sounded, so I just played with the words and the commas until the rhythm was pleasing to me.

Our autumns here can be very warm. We have a few brisk days, and a few very cold ones, but it is a bright sunshiny day and about 80 out just now. I suppose what different people associate with autumn days is quite likely to vary from region to region.

You're quite right about the ending line. It didn't feel sufficient when I wrote it, really.

You've given me a lot of useful things to think about. Thank you ever so much for critiquing my poem so wonderfully.

--
"You see, I am a poet, and not quite in my right head, darling." -Edna St. Vincent Millay

You're right about the region to region-thing, it never occurred to me.
You're very welcome, glad it gave you things to think about.

--
but, mainly, Stay Classy

Beautiful; rich and colourful. This is just like my feelings about autumn...

Thank you.

--
"You see, I am a poet, and not quite in my right head, darling." -Edna St. Vincent Millay